mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
