Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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