you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
