dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My vagina just clenched in fear
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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