Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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