Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
