if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
