your room smells of hookers.
And success
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
