im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
