Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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