there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
