nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
