Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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