Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
