I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
