Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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