im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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