Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
