I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
There are leaves in my underwear?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
