I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
