Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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