I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
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I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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