Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
be right there i have to get my cape
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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