How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
