How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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