he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
