Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
