Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
