there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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