worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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