I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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