So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
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hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
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The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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