Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
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