Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
