apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
