Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Duck Duck Cougar?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
