shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i now understand why vodka
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
