alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
