I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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