he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
