Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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