I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
