you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
