im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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