Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
