Yo dont text me then not text me
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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