it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
