That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
