I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
