Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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