Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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