I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
