you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
