No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
