The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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