i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
