if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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