It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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